The Third One
by Niskala
Summary: I am the third one. The second replaced the first and I replaced the second. Ayanami Rei cannot die; she is replaceable...


Evangelion : The Third One  
  
By Kutilang  
  
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I am the third one.  
  
There were two others before me; I am the third. The second had replaced the first and I have replaced the second; I am the third. I am replaceable. If there was ever a need to sacrifiice a pilot, I should be the one chosen. The reason? I am replaceable. I have spares, if I die, another one will replace me. Ayanami Rei cannot die.  
  
Ayanami Rei cannot die because she does not live. One who never lived will never die.  
  
However, I wonder what happened to the second and the first if they are not dead. Both of them are Ayanamis and both of them died to be replaced by me. So I can die.  
  
If I can die, does that mean I am alive?  
  
"I'm glad that you're alive. Thanks for helping me." A brown-haired boy muttered slowly.  
  
Ikari. Shinji. The son of commander Ikari. I felt as if I have known him well before and that he knew me well too. I remember that he told me to smile.  
  
Did I smile for him? I.could not remember. Why did he say thanks to me? Did I help him? What did I do?  
  
"Help?"  
  
The word sounded familiar to my ears as I voiced it. I. Helped. Him?  
  
"For self-destructing your EVA and saving my life." He explained.  
  
I self-destructed.my EVA? When did I do that?  
  
Wait. The memories are coming back to me; a flash of bright light, warmth.no, it was burning. Pain.it was so hot and then everything was black. I remember a ticklish sensation in my eyes.  
  
I.cried?  
  
There were tears floating in the LCL.  
  
Why did I cry? Was it because I was going to die?  
  
No. Those were the memories of the second; not mine. The second died helping Shinji; not me.  
  
But I am Ayanami Rei too. Does that mean I helped him too as I am the same person?  
  
"You mean I helped you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
He looked at me with confused eyes. Furrowing his eyebrows, he scanned me from top to bottom as if sensing something missing yet could not find that something. He then gulped down his saliva before voicing his discovery; "Don't you remember?"  
  
No, I don't.  
  
I could not voice my answer. Something held me from answering him and I could not resist it. I knew that I should say something to him somehow, he was expecting an answer. Yet all the energy drained from me and I could not even move my lips.  
  
Why should it be so hard to admit? Why should it be so hard to say that I was not the Ayanami Rei he was expecting to see? Why can't I just say that I am a replacement for the second? That I am the third?  
  
My brain tried to form appopriate words to use yet could not find any as all would hurt his feelings.  
  
Why do I care if I hurt him or not? Why care?  
  
Because he is Ikari Shinji, the son of commander Ikari, so I must respect him as I respected his father. No. It is because I do not want to hurt other people's feelings. Not only him. Other people too. Yet, it seemed that silence hurt him more as he looked pained to see me staring blankly at him.  
  
I took a deep breath to say the words one by one so as not to repeat it again. I know this would hurt him, yet it hurt me more.  
  
"No, I don't. Probably because I am the third one." The answer went as a whisper as my throat failed to say it clearer.  
  
He heard it, though. I know he did. He looked down on his lap; the painful realisation almost made him cry, but he would never allow himself to cry anymore. I did not expect him to answer as we both looked down in the silent hospital room. Yet he answered, "I see."  
  
I could bear the silence for eternity long, but the pain etched in his voice as he uttered those two syllables plunged a sword through my heart.  
  
I hurt him. I hurt his feelings.  
  
A thousand apologies formed in my head yet none came out. I could not force my mouth open. He did not wait for an answer as he turned toward the door and slipped through. I was left alone with my thoughts once more; I am the third one.  
  
There were two others before me; I am the third. The second had replaced the first and I have replaced the second; I am the third.  
  
Yet I am not replaceable. Nor the second. Nor the first.  
  
They lived and they died.  
  
Nothing that is alive can be replaced.  
  
I am alive and I will not let myself be replaced.  
  
I will fight, and I will not be replaced.  
  
I am Soul, not Zero.  
  
I will live.  
  
--------------------------------------------------~*  
  
Author's Note: Ironically, Rei's name means soul or it can also mean zero. I mentioned it in the end, I inserted this just so you know. This is something I wrote when I was feeling very down so I hope it is angsty. Please tell me your comment, perhaps I can improve it in certain aspects? 


End file.
